This is the 5 stages of sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period;
you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass
each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

True Romance

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs . His gentle stroking
then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to
do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!
''Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'